Mind games and guardian angels

6/4/2013

Mind games and guardian angels

I had another restless night sleep. My children are in my head and heart and it awakens me. I found myself praying to my angels. I feel heavy even though the air is clean and humity low. Interspersed throughout a long day of my mind games and internal self loathing chatter, I thought about my gardian angel. I was brought up strict traditional Catholic. I didn’t really ‘meet ‘ God until I left the church, then came back. To me God is as real as my eyes are blue. As an artist I see the world in vivid color. I also feel the world with intense sensation. Something that isn’t always pleasant because life is cruel sometimes. I do feel my spiritual guardians but more often I feel like I am going through this strange life a lone…. Oh those mind games. I keep promises, keep my ‘word’ as it is said. I promised I would stick to a running plan. I promised to run another ½ marathon with a couple of my loved ones this Autumn. But all day long my brain put off the long 5 miles I had to do today. I busied myself with odds and ends of things. Procrastnated. Since I didn’t sleep well the last couple of nights, I slept in. I finally went out, doing my 5.11 miles walking most of it. Why am I so hard on myself? Let it go, embrace this world. It. goes by so fast.

"Two Saints have an Isis Art experience"

A few days ago my husband invited two priests from a retreat house that he goes to every year. One lived in New Jersey and another lived in Massachusetts. The one who lived in NJ visits the Abbey during retreats.

I was nervous. I am a 'leaving for 15 years, back to church Catholic'. I have strong spiritual beliefs but I also was traumatized growing up by the hypocrisy and the control issues. So I left. Then I had children. I realized people everywhere have issues and do things. So I filter and I tried to show my now 3 grown sons about God and compassion and forgiveness. So I forgave. My childhood experiences did chang me and I carry somethings in my heart today. That being said, I cleaned and cleaned, like Jesus was coming! They wanted to see my husband's architectural design work on the house and wanted to see my paintings! I was 'the wife.'

The first thing they did was hug me tightly and warmly. One Father was older, from Germany, very smart. He took the other younger Vietnamese priest under his wing. Both had broken English but we all had universal love and faith.  They were warm and kind and had beautiful light coming from them. I thought they were saints.

I knew the hostess role well, serving homemade bread and coffee and tea. But what happened still baffles and intrigues me. They were actually awed by my paintings. I was awed that they were awed. The younger priest kept taking photographs of all my work.

They asked about the pieces, the work, the story. And I told and shared. Usually the work hangs invisible due to familiarity. They saw the ...the 15 "Way of the Cross" series which are shown and on sale (prints) on my website. Their mouths were gaping. I knew I need to get out to the world more. I have been in a recoil with my art.

I thought that the priests' visit would be stiff and they were anything but. I thought things would be about my husbands business and my husbands architectural work but instead the two soulful men spent hours absorbing the body of work as if they were in a museum. We had some really good laughs and we went out for sushi. The one older Father said over and over, "This was an experience. I will never forget this." The cherry on top was they both Loved my certified dog Yafah whom I share a deep bond with. Try to visualize two priests on the floor with a big 120 pound Anatolian/ Great Pyranes dog.  They both left with white fur all over them. I was apologetic but they didn't care.

It was as if God sent two saints to give me encouragement. I felt, through these 'two saints' like I was acknowledged.